Week 3
Injury Report

This time of year, we tend to care more about the health of our imaginary team than our own health. As we scour the waiver with elevated blood pressure and high anxiety, for the next random player to put up week clinching numbers. Let’s take a look at my rankings on who will be popping the most Xanies this week.

Always the bridesmaid and never the bride, Mr. Sarros you finally got first place! Just sucks it’s on the Xany list. With Chris Godwin leaving in the 3^rd with yet another Hammy issue, looks like he will be spending week 4 in an ice bath. John Brown continues his reputation for sitting out due to “nagging injuries”. Brown is a heart breaker, every year he shows potential, every year he disappoints. It will be interesting to see manager Sarros keeps him around. Then there is Michael Pittman suffering with a bout of “compartment syndrome”. What is that you may ask? Who the fuck knows, but it looks like he’s going to lose his leg or be back in 6 weeks, I’d say 50/50. But I put my money on him coming back in 6 weeks to drop more single digit bombs on this roster. Good luck Ryan!

Your runner up on the Xany list is probably the only Jew you associate with. That’s right the formally undefeated, Hebrew Hammer. The handle snapped, and the head clipped my tip. Chalk that one up to bad management and Zach teaming up with Russell Wilson to drop their hammers on my sad lower lip. As if Chris Carson likely missing week 4 with a knee sprain wasn’t bad enough, he’s missing an important matchup with the Dolphins where we are likely to see the seahawks drop 100 points. The one that hurts the most, the one that made my ancestors roll over in their graves. Was the wasted $45 on Jerrick Mckinnon, his rib injury and the high probability that Raheem Mostert returns brings a quick end to a bad investment.

Tony my Brotha! Welcome to the 3-Week IR club. Tell Goedert to hit up my boy McCaffery and enjoy the next few weeks on an exclusive private roster spot. Bursting on the scene Week 1 Goedert had Tony comfortable that at least one spot on his roster wasn’t filled with holes. Hopefully Mike Gesicki can repeat his week 2 performance and help Tony pull further and further away from that dreaded title of Sacko.

Tarik Cohen will be holding Gavin’s beers for the rest of the season as the human Joystick has his cable cut last week and will be nursing a torn ACL until next year.

On the bright side it looks like Jake will be getting back DeSean Jackson back for week 4 after suffering a hamstring injury. Expect him to be on limited snaps and even more limited production.

MR. 14 reverted back to his German roots by beating on a poor Jew last week. But karma prevails as Mike Williams goes down with a Hamstring injury. This will be a major boost to my boy Keenan Allen who from the looks of it is going to need to drop 60 in order for me to win.

Last, and at this rate will be the least, is former champ Dan. Poor Dan has been struggling since the beginning and the struggle is about to get worse as his second best WR had his bell rung against one of the top teams in the league, the 3-0 Bears. Looks like at most he will miss one week due to NFL protocol. Start that diet now Dan, you’re going to want to look good in that dress next year.

*I want to apologize in advance for the quality of this article and how late it is. Next week will be an improvement for both myself and my team.